Victim

Yesterday I had my hair dyed and cut. Whilst sitting at the hairdressers I looked at my reflection in the bright lit mirror and was disgusted. My legs seemed to have grown wider than I have ever seen them. I kept making sure the black smock was pressed down as far as it could go past my knees and the offending thighs.

In time though, I started thinking about how I have been a victim to this pregnancy. My body the sacrifice. Yes, at 20 weeks I still feel sick. I thought after my bad cold and coughing that I would "wake up" to a new me without the hangover feeling, but alas, today I feel it more than ever. That said, sitting at the hairdressers I was convinced that from this point on things are going to be different. I am going to pretend I am not pregnant. I am going to go about my life as usual. Omit bad food, go to yoga like a maniac, and feel like I can dress like a normal person. This was my vow.

The rest of the evening I was full of energy. What had I been doing before? I had let this pregnancy determine who I was and what I was capable of. No more. Yes, there was something growing in me, but I could still participate in the world like a full human being? Yes!

This was it.

No more victim!

Today though I feel awful. Again. It is raining outside and I feel like I have cotton wool in my head, mixed with a tinge of nausea. I feel

like

a

victim.