Alien attachment

In keeping with this new attachment theme I am currently experiencing, the one deficit to this growing emotion is that I have still yet to feel the baby "move". And to be honest, I am not sure how I feel about the feeling of it moving. There is a part of me that is excited for this, however another part of me is kind of creeped out by this. It is an alien experience being pregnant and it is also alien to have an alien in you. My alien.

Generally, it is not a common experience to have something in one's body move without explanation or control. We do not have our livers fling about or our stomach's reel in flits of spams. That said, we do experience gas, probably the closest feeling to the movement of a baby (at least the initial ones). Again, pregnancy lends itself to this separation of self. There is no autonomous body but a big body (bigger every day) and a little parasitic body inside the big body, which has no jurisdiction over this little body.

Everyone tells me it is a flutter or a bubble and I have felt this. At least I am pretty sure. It is a little like gas. So maybe I have felt it "move" but not in any distinct way. There is of course, comfort in feeling it move. The alien is alive! However, more and more as he gets bigger I am getting more and more apprehensive about the movement.

I do feel primarily like a vessel. And I have a feeling that the more he moves, the more I am going to feel like his walking airplane. It's an abstract feeling. More than that however, I feel weird about it. There is a part of me that wants to scream, "get it out, get it out" like I really have some kind of close encounter alien squirming to get out.

This is a trip.