Attachment part two

As I am writing today, the little thing is really moving about. Sometimes when I put my hand there it stops. My boyfriend has yet to feel it, but I feel any day now he will have a chance. I really am excited for him to feel it.

So, next week we find out the results of the Amniocentesis. If there is something wrong we will have the option to terminate. Today I am nervous as this would be difficult for me. Of course. However I am not sure what aspect of it would be the most difficult, going through the procedure, going through the loss of hope, or actually being sad about the little thing in me. Right now I still have mixed feelings about how attached I am.

A friend said something interesting recently about the little movements I am experiencing, which is, that in retrospect, knowing who actually came out, she wished she was more aware and more attached to the movements. Right now for me it is amorphous. I have no idea who this being is. However I can see what she is saying. Once I am attached to this creature in real life I will be able to look back and be nostalgic for his little movements in my womb. Perhaps the movements will be indicative of his personality somehow.

Another friend told me something very sweet about her attachment to her baby, which is that after he was born she still felt very much connected in the sense that they were one unit together. When she had to make doctor appointments for both her check up and her baby's, she made the one appointment, only to find out she needed to make two separate appointments. She didn't feel so separate. I love this story.

It is an evolution this process- and yes, why it is said that you really need these nine months in order to go through the myriad of emotions we endure. I think how different it must have been when my mother was going through this. No ultra sounds or Amnio. No real indication of anything but the eventual movements of the baby (me). I wonder how the connection at this time manifested then?

Lately I have been feeling like I have a little buddy with me. Someone along for the ride (literally). It is sweet but I am trying to be careful not to fetishize this feeling. I don't want to encourage a desire that the baby is here for me. I want to be there for him. I am aware of how it would be possible for women to use their children as their own safety objects and I don't want to create a neurotic agenda this early. Yet, still, there is something very interesting about having this person inside me. He is with me all the time.

It's all so interesting.

But, just so I don't miss my daily complaint: I wish I didn't feel so sick!