No judgment

So it begins. Yesterday in a childbirth course class I had my first taste of the overwhelming guilt of motherhood. The charge? That I wasn't "connecting" or talking enough to my baby in the womb. It's true. Unlike the couple in my class who insist on "om-ing" to their baby to "calm" him every night, I have been heard to call my baby a "motherf**ker", especially when he gives me a big jab to some nerve or other. Do I think he can hear me? Well, no, not really. I mean, he can hear my voice, but I doubt he knows what a motherf**ker is (and this is not exactly a regular occurrence). Notwithstanding that, I feel strongly that I should be allowed to have whatever "relationship" I want with my unborn child.

A lot of people talk about how they love their unborn child. The truth is, I can't honestly say I love my unborn son right now. I mean, I care about his well-being. For sure. I am excited to meet him for sure. And, I am touched by his presence. But, I don't feel love per se. I mean, I don't know him. I feel like I can't quite love him right now.

And, I don't want to be judged for this. Like, I am a bad mother already! When I swear when he hits his foot somewhere, I am not self conscious that I am being an unloving mother. There is a difference between swearing to this fetus and swearing to a real live baby (which I would never do). I do strongly believe there is a difference.

Also, I don't want to be made to feel bad because I don't have little chats with this little thing telling him how he is welcome in the world blah blah blah. I have tried a couple of times, but for me it feels artificial. Even the tone of my voice seems forced. "Hi little one", in a high pitched voice. Nope. It doesn't work.

Look, I am sure I am going to adore the little guy. But for now, I want to have the freedom to make my own choices about my relationship to him in the womb. He is coming into a family of absolute love. I am not concerned. So, no judgment.

No judgment.