The baby next door

The baby next door cries CONTINUALLY. Rarely is there a respite. I don't want this kind of baby. I live in an apartment building and often there is crying on all sides. It isn't newborn baby crying. More like 6 month to one year old crying. It makes me crazy. And in these moments I think uh oh.

I hope my baby is not a crying one. Sometimes I look at babies or small children and think that they came out unhappy. They didn't really want to be here...I hope mine wants to be here.

Right now as the time gets closer and closer (7 weeks tomorrow), I feel more alien toward the fetus rather than more loving (apropos my last entry). He hiccups non-stop and his movements are still there banging against something or rather, but I still don't feel so connected. One thing I attribute to this is the last 3D scan. I think the image looked so foreign to me that I really didn't feel related to this being at all.

And sometimes I think, OK he will be a cute baby but then he will be a smelly teenager and a man I may or may not like. I think we put too much emphasis on this sacred mothering. Like the bond is untouchable and at least when they are babies we can have an absolute relation to them, although we all know with our own parents that it becomes tainted.

I do know, looking about at adult friends of mine, that the more unconditional love they receive, the stronger they are in the world. I guess that's what it comes down to. And so I guess I will have to give it up to mother nature and oxytocin and hope I "bond" with the little guy.

I think for me it is more difficult to feel the connection when I feel so bad in my body. Another doctor tonight to see if we can figure out the heart racing/fainting thing and another doctor to check out my still painful and limping foot. I try not to "blame" the fetus. It isn't his fault my body isn't wired for pregnancy. And we don't choose to be born...

It's all very complicated, but I have a feeling that when he comes out, it will all be very simple. Very simple.