Instant

There seems to be less and less to say. Now reality becomes wordless. Time is approaching. Whether I like it or not, at some point in the next four weeks (or maybe six if he is late), I will give birth. It's difficult not to be apprehensive. I don't even know what I am scared of? I guess the pain, but more the fear of things going "wrong". And then lately I get hit with the sense that something really radical is about to happen and I don't even know how radical it is. But, I am also scared of my life changing in a way that impedes movement. On the one hand I am so excited to enter this new part of life, and on the other hand, I am nervous about how life changes. No more just rushing out to do what I want when I want. No more deciding to go to a movie on a whim with my guy. No more lazing around in bed on a Sunday morning. Yeah, yeah, this is nothing new. And I know that when it happens it just happens and life is like that. We anticipate the future and then the future comes and then we are like, oh, here I am.

So, I am nervous. Things seem strange. Every time I go to the bathroom I look for this mysterious "bloody show". Is he going to come early? Will my water break when I am sitting in a cafe? And my lord, when he moves these days he hurts! The other night I was up half the night walking around to put him to sleep, and he isn't even born!

This past Friday we went and looked at another hospital. We sat in a room with fifteen other pregnant women and their partners waiting for the "tour guide". I, of course, immediately remarked that I seemed "fatter than the other women". It's a mystery to me how women can keep their skinny arms and legs while pregnant. In any event, the "tour" was in Hebrew and my guy translated. The tour guide woman was hard core and was pretty much against everything we believe in regarding natural birth. So, we are not giving birth there.

Anyway. Doctor tonight so will see what the progress of all things baby is. The room is set up. My hospital bag packed. I feel calm in some ways, panicked in others. Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of me and my guy. How life can change
in
an
instant.

This time last year while living in Costa Rica I was being badgered by my friend to come to a cafe where her friend worked. I finally relented. The next day I walked in. He was sitting there. My friend introduced us. I shook his hand and was like, "Oh, here he is". And,
here
I
am.