OK, so it is a known fact that I am overly preoccupied with my weight. However, I would now like to point out that it seems that I have, more or less, put on 50 pounds. 50 POUNDS! That is almost a whole other person. And I still have ten weeks to go. Maybe this justifies my anxiety?
It is painful to me. I don't know how to stop eating. I say, OK, today is the last day I will eat this or that. And then the next day I repeat the eating. It's like I have given up. Yet, I am still mortified at the weight. Again, it is vain I know. Something larger than life is occurring right now. I am baking a human being. My son. Yet, I can't help but be a little heartbroken.
Everyone dismisses this feeling I have. Oh, you're pregnant, don't worry. Oh, you look great (those that say that are either deluded or have never met me in my pre-pregnancy state). It doesn't help. Why oh why can't someone please say to me, yeah honey, it sucks and it is hard to get off too so I get why you are feeling unhappy about this.
It is the loss of control I hate. I used to love eating the food I ate. The green juices and the raw food. I believe that part of the problem for me is accessibility here in Israel and also having a partner in crime living with me. If it was me alone I could probably discipline myself a little more. However, in line with the theory that I am emotionally eating, I take gratification in pigging out with my boyfriend. It doubles my pleasure. He wants to lose weight however. And we both need to. I just feel like I can't do this anymore. Something has broken in me a little. My lifestyle which was so blissfully sustaining previously is somehow completely and utterly elusive to me right now.
The clothes I buy are bigger and bigger and I shower in the dark. My pregnant belly is smaller than my pregnant behind. I swear. And it's only going to get worse...
I feel a bit sad about this today. Maybe it is vanity, but it is also my vitality. I had muscles and strength and energy. My body was toned and flexible. Now my latest ailment is that my foot hurts. Why? Because there is new weight on it and I have flat feet blah blah. I read about it this morning. Aside from wearing orthopedics, I have to suck it up. So now my fat self walks with a limp.
A limp.
*sigh*
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oh darling, i feel for you deeply and wholly. it is entirely hormonal that you can't stop eating, so many women do that. you are almost there. the only thing i suggest is getting some more exercise in if at all possible... swimming? that's the only thing that interrupted my eating and gave me a little bit of a sense of wellbeing.
ReplyDeleteactually, i currently can't stop eating. i eat about 7 meals a day, starting from about 6am (today 5am, max got up early) and again, i eat like half a loaf of bread, a couple of big bowls of pasta, a few bowls of cereal, a thousand cups of tea and then it's time for dinner! sheesh! to be a woman.
it is depressing darling, just try, try, try to do some exercise, it will help... obviously you can't do heaps of walking if your feet hurt (also a VERY common occurrence while pregnant. Joy's arches collapsed and have never recovered, Caitlin's knees almost completely packed it in, my feet hurt but thankfully nothing serious, miraculously better after the extra person, fat and water around it was shed).
hang in there. xxx