Two phases

I have noticed, that this new life contains two stages: pregnancy and after pregnancy. And, there does not seem to be much overlap between the stages. Of course that's an obvious assertion, however what I mean by that is that once a woman has given birth she is now welcomed into a whole new set of language and preoccupations. She has forever left the "pregnancy" group and in fact, can barely relate to it. I see this all the time. Friends that are pregnant and then give birth just seem to disappear off the face of the universe, for a time. Once they come back to the "real world" they are forever altered. What they understand, I cannot.

So, it's interesting. Right now I am on the edge of this new group, however giving birth is like dying, it cannot be known until experienced in that moment. Often lately I dream of my baby in various forms, however in each dream I have already given birth. My unconscious cannot even envision the process. And so I half envy these women who have already given birth. They have finished with this whole nine months business of exhaustion and morphing and not only have they given birth, but they have a real, live baby.

When you are pregnant (well, with your first), it is pretty impossible to imagine a live baby at the end of this. I know with all my pregnant friends, we wander around in a kind of daze. Half preparing, but half claiming our prior lives (the only ones we have known so far). We cannot anticipate this next step. No matter how hard we try.

The other day I was at a friend's place and she was offering me (very generously), some of her baby stuff for us to borrow. The whole thing felt surreal. What was I going to do with a baby bath? Baby cot etc? It was almost comical. Me taking it as if I was ever going to need it? Me? Why? Oh yeah, I am pregnant.

This whole thing continues to be weird.

And, last night he was hiccuping. I know it. So strange. Too strange to even be cute.

Who is he?

And just as importantly, who am I now? I am the pregnant phase woman, soon to be the after-birth phase woman.