Why the blog?/Discovering pregnancy

I had not previously ever thought about writing a blog, however I wanted to create a "home" for women to talk about the uglier and less politically correct versions of their pregnancy (and impending motherhood). There are many women voicing their ambivalence and "shadow" whispers (or shouts) on various blogs and websites scattered around the internet, mainly on baby central websites, but short of a few tongue in cheek books, there is nothing around that authentically allows a voice for women to argue their case for confusion, misgivings, fear, depression, disorientation, despair, apathy, lack of connection and any other emotional response which isn't normally articulated.

Note: I am currently 17 weeks pregnant.

I want this blog to discuss various themes in isolated chapters. For example, how do women feel about their bodies during pregnancy? How do we feel about sex (and how this may change after birth)? How do we feel about what it means to be a mother? How do we feel about our changing identities as our friendships take on a different tone? How do we feel about our partners and their roles? Do we feel connected to this baby? What are our fears regarding looking after a baby? The list goes on...

Today I want to focus on the moment of learning about pregnancy. We have all seen women stare at the white, plastic stick which signifies such a radical new life. In most TV and films the women are elated and rush out of the bathroom into their partner's arms. For most women, these pregnancy testers become routine. I believe we have all experienced that paranoid moment when we think we are pregnant even though it would have to be through divine intervention. There is something in a woman's genetic make up that seeks out pregnancy whenever a period is late for a few days. I certainly used to carry a pregnancy test with me, even during the times when I was not sexually active. Just to make sure...

So, the moment I found out... I had met my boyfriend six months earlier and we decided to "try" for a baby, however as I am 38 we thought that it would take at least six months to a year. However, it took a week. After this particular week of unknown conception, we traveled from New York to Israel to meet my boyfriend's family en route to Sydney to live, when after a week in Israel I decided that I possibly may be pregnant. During that first week at my boyfriend's parent's house I was very emotional and just felt "heavy" most of the time. My breasts started to hurt a lot and my period was a few days late. Usually I have bad PMS but somehow this felt different.

Cut to: My boyfriend had an errand and I was left to wait for him in a shopping mall. I decided to buy a pregnancy test. Firstly I had to decipher which test was in English and appropriate. After a flustered few minutes I had purchased the test at which point I had to try and find a bathroom in the shopping complex. A woman who spoke little English motioned for me to follow her and led me the way. I found the bathroom. I walked in. I tried to pee on the plastic (I always miss). I sat there, with my jeans around my ankles waiting for the test to change color from a minus to a plus. And, shortly thereafter, it did.

It is hard to describe that moment for me. It was heartbreaking. I started shaking all over and gasping for air. I started crying also. I can't say it was joy, per se, that I felt, however I was overcome. All my life I had said I wanted to have a baby. In fact, when I was 16, I wrote a letter to a school teacher and told her that I wanted to wait to have a baby until I was 37 (which was the age I became pregnant). I never guessed that this was a prophecy. Yet, in that exact moment, I was in shock. I had looked at those tests many times in my life and they resolutely remained a minus. I never dreamed it was possible I could get pregnant. I told my friends that I would get on the moon before I would get pregnant. It just seemed inconceivable- pardon the pun.

So, in my shaking state I pulled up my jeans and decided I needed to buy a second test, which I proceeded to do. And sure enough, the second test (this time two lines rather than one), instantly peered out from the test window. That was it. There was no denying it.

I walked in a daze and headed to a cafe where I ordered a juice and sat down. I started crying. And in that moment, it would be fair to say, that despite the tears (the hormones were already starting to do their thing), I felt no emotion. I felt full and empty at the same time. Mostly, I wanted to sit there by myself and enjoy the moment by myself. This was my story. This was happening to me. This was where I could be contemplative and reflect on this new twist in events. Except I had a boyfriend I loved and I couldn't sit still I wanted to tell him so badly. The waiting was agony.

I parked myself on the corner we had decided to meet and waited anxiously. As soon as I saw him walking towards me I burst into tears and hugged him and told him that I was pregnant. He hugged me back but I watched as his state of shock started to envelop him. "Do you want to get some Falafel?" I remember in my crying state asking, "You want to get Falafel when I just told you I was pregnant?" It was a comedic mutual moment of denial.

However, it was Falafel we ate and as we sat in the car smudging our faces with tahini my boyfriend's sister called and he told her the news. Then I saw tears in his eyes as I heard her voice in the background shouting for joy...

So that was the initial moment. However what ensued was less than perfect. The telling of the news to those close was haphazard at best. My mother, the happiest, ran out to my step-father while he was running a marathon in Toronto and held up a sign saying I was pregnant as he ran past. My father too was touched. My boyfriend's parents were happy however a little confused (understandably) as they had only met me a week earlier. And my boyfriend and I were confused also. Do we have this child? Where would we live? How would our new relationship survive this?

The few weeks after the pregnancy discovery were difficult. We mentioned the word "abortion" (although in a shameful and terrified manner). I felt (and still do not) no connection to what was growing inside me. We were confused and anxious and my body started feeling awful. My breasts started hurting even more and I was exhausted and very emotional. It was a messy time of my life, but a profound one.

And yet, this is supposed to be a joyful occasion. That's why I am writing this blog. To talk about the shadow side. The moments where one does not feel joy, but confusion and perhaps a little sorrow. Life is complicated. Reality is complicated. There are no absolute moments. Just incomplete and transient moments. So how do we find a way to enter into our own process? We talk.