Gender bender/It's a boy

I have decided that this blog is going to meander a little. Every day new thoughts come to me. It should be noted that I have moved to a new country and so do not have too many friends here and so instead of complaining to my friends, I am writing this blog. I don't really know who will be reading it, if anyone, but I want it to be used as a place where women can really talk about the underside of their experience without feeling censored.

So today I want to talk about what happened to me when I found out I was having a baby boy.

Years ago I remember walking with a friend and she was pregnant with a boy. She already had a girl and this was an unplanned second pregnancy. We were at the beach and packing up to leave and she said, "Wow, when I have a boy I will have to be packing up buckets and pails and toy cars". And I laughed with sympathy as her delicate little girl held my hand sweetly. For some reason that memory really hit home when I found out my own baby's gender status.

In Israel they routinely use 3D ultra sound as will as the 2D one. I was having a particular test at 10 weeks (maybe I am getting the week wrong as my brain doesn't seem to function correctly right now. Needless to say, it was early) and it was obvious to all as my boy somehow displayed his status proudly right there on the monitor. There was just no denying it. Even to the untrained eye.

My boyfriend was excited and I started feeling awful. I asked the Doctor, "What's the percentage of accuracy that we are talking about here?" He said, "90 per cent"

So...a subsequent second test later and it is confirmed. I am having a boy.

Never, ever in my life did I ever think I would have a boy. I just assumed I would be having a girl. The thought, quite frankly, never occurred to me! And I was devastated. Really.

At that moment, I reached across the oceans and emailed all my friends who I knew had boy babies. I needed to know- how was it? How did they feel about their boy babies? Did anyone have the same reaction as I did?

I received so many emails the next day. It was overwhelming and wonderful. Most of my friends had exactly the same reaction I did and in those moments felt isolated and strange about their reaction. Guilt perhaps. And everyone around me was saying the generic, "Well, it doesn't matter, as long as you have a healthy baby!" Got it.
The thing is, I did feel guilty. I felt bad for feeling the way I should. I really did.

I came home to my mother (who was visiting) and she also couldn't disguise her deflated feelings. My brother and his wife already had two boys (and will probably keep trying until they have a girl). Everyone seemed to be having boys. Why couldn't I have a girl? A boy just seemed so....I don't know.

However, the emails really did help. A lot. One email correspondence was from someone I had only met once briefly, however she was a best friend of one of my close friends and she was very articulate about her own mixed feelings and confusion. She discussed how sad she felt and how she was ambivalent about her own feelings and how to express these. She too had picked out girl baby names since she was young, coveted little girl dresses in stores, assumed, like me that she would be having a girl.

That said: Nearly everyone I spoke to said that all my feelings will change once the baby is born. It was comforting. Women spoke of this absolute love which one cannot know until the baby is born. That once it is born, gender really does not matter. They also said (as if this is a good thing, however this remains to be seen), that boys love their mother more than girls do. That the bond is stronger.

The other night I had a dream that my mother held my baby up to me. He looked adorable. Completely narcissistic as in the dream he looked like a baby version of me! However, in the dream I felt this overwhelming love. I exclaimed, "Oh, he's so cute!"

And so the journey continues. I now feel (well, trying to most of the time until I see a cute little girl walking by), somehow noble, like I have been entrusted with a great task. How to raise a decent man? How to make him sensitive yet strong? How do I as a mother make sure that our relationship is unburdened and loving? How do I help him grow?

I have become obsessed with looking at little boys on the street. I see a cute one and think, oh, it's OK I am having a boy as I will have a cute one. Then I see a not so cute one and then freak out about it all over again.

I guess I can't really know until he comes out...

And really, I just hope he is healthy.