A stye in the ointment/Overcoming the body

Yesterday I woke up with a stye in my right eye. It is swollen and pink and painful. I looked in the mirror and was depressed at this mottled eye staring back. I go to the pharmacy and ask the woman there for some medication. She said, "You need a prescription, do you have one?" I said I didn't so she said she would give it to me anyway, but then I realized I had to call my doctor who had to approve of the medication, which she did. Then I get home and troll about online only to find that most websites say I shouldn't go near this medication when pregnant, however one website says it is completely safe. And it begins... The anxiety of being pregnant and the body. Not only what I put in my body, but this abject, disfigured pink eye staring back only reminds me of the tenuous state of my body right now.

Last week a friend was visiting from Australia. We went to the wailing wall. I was with a very religious woman, an Israeli woman who had just found her own version of G-d and my friend. As we trudged through the old city in Jerusalem they talked excitedly about how nervous they were to approach the wall and pray (one woman's knees were shaking). I was just tired and panting rather hard. We arrived. I took a plastic chair in the section for women and watched. I watched the crowds of women at the wall praying and crying as they were moved by this ancient talisman. I sat bored. I was tired. My feet hurt. I needed some water. And, I was a little hungry.

As we were walking back I asked my friend why I felt nothing? I was perplexed. I am Jewish, albeit a non-practicing one (whatever that means) and I should have felt something? My friend said to me, "You know, I think when you're pregnant you are so in your body that you don't have room for any feelings of spirituality or elevated emotions"

That was it.

It was a simple sentence but profound for me as since I have been pregnant I have felt so rooted to my body. Weighed down by it (literally and figuratively). I have felt every nuance, every itch, every movement and every ugly moment.

I feel remarkably ugly. And nobody wants to hear it. Nobody wants to hear me shout right now, "I hate this pregnant body". But, the truth is, right now I do. I hate my growing and heavy breasts. Everything about them is changing and mutating. I hate all the weight I have put on my legs, huge derriere and arms. I hate not fitting into anything I own. I hate my skin blotchy and white. I hate my hair turning more gray as I grapple with the question of whether to dye it while pregnant (some say yes, some say no). I hate my swollen feet and fingers.

But, I do like my growing belly. It gives me some legitimacy...Like maybe I really am pregnant.

That's the thing. I know I have a way to go and everything is going to get bigger and bigger. I know it was the abundance of breads and cheeses in Israel (amazing), which led to this burst of weight and I know it is only temporary. What I don't like perhaps, is the lack of control. That this baby is currently like a parasite of sorts, taking from me and giving me back a layer of fat. The sacrifice begins in the womb. If you want to see it that way...and right now I am not sure I have a clear perspective.

Mostly though, I want to be able to say to someone, I feel ugly. And when I say it, I want them to say, Yeah, this must be difficult for you having your body morph in front of you. I feel for you.

That's it.