Depression session?

Yesterday, while trolling the internet for pregnancy blogs, I entered into the search engine: "Still sick at 18 weeks?" and therein found a multitude of pages dedicated to women questioning where their second trimester burst was? Solidarity in numbers helps. It comforts me to know that I am not alone and other women are still experiencing pregnancy sickness at 18 weeks. Every week I hope that this is the week I feel better. Women have told me that one day you get out of bed and that's it, you feel better. That you feel almost "normal". I can't even imagine.

One post really struck me. The woman asked if she was suffering from depression or was she just sick from the pregnancy? She said that all the commercials for anti-depressants show women in bed, listless with no energy and prone to bouts of crying- which she was experiencing in her pregnancy. The post affected me as I too have been wondering the same thing. Am I depressed? Surely there must be some shadings of depression for sure. A body that is kept in this state of hormonal low level flu for so long becomes depressed. If someone was sick for that long you would say they were definitely a candidate for depression. Right?

So here's me. Yesterday for example, I felt so bad I couldn't leave the house. I forced myself to shower and go to the grocery store and in the store I felt like I was going to faint. So, I come home and plonk on the couch with the TV on and just can't move. Later I cry. I cry because I am so frustrated at this constant impediment to exploring a new life here in Israel. It is a catch 22. The more I stay at home, the less I socialize and create supportive networks and then the more I feel depressed in addition to feeling nauseous 24/7. And I worry about postpartum depression.

How to describe the feeling? Like a really bad hang over mixed with a dash of nausea and headaches. I look in the mirror some days and my eyes are blood shot. I have no energy at all. I want to go to yoga but how can I go to yoga when I feel faint in the grocery?

So yes, I guess I am depressed. I want my life back. I want energy again. I want to go to yoga and meet friends and start the process of learning the language here...

Part of my isolation is physical, i.e., I am at home a lot of the time feeling unwell, but also the language barrier in this new country daily obstructs me. Yesterday at the store I handed the woman some bread and she said something to me. I responded in English for her to repeat what she said, but she didn't speak English and gave up on me...And I wondered, what was she saying? Is she saying the bread is bad? Or if I buy one bread I get two? Or did I want five loaves? Who KNOWS! But this daily not understanding of another language exhausts me. It further confines me to my own little world...

So, the question that possibly many women face is this question of borderline depression? I imagine that if I had my friends and the familiar around me, things would be different. However would I still be feeling this way in my body? Or maybe I wouldn't?

Everything is all so connected. Mostly though I am worried about the baby. I have the thought that now my amniotic fluid is going to be infected with my sad feelings. I know he is insulated in there mostly. Baking. But I also feel that my mood must affect the growing process...

Today it is windy and rainy outside. I am watching a reality show on TV. I am in my pajamas. I know I should find a way out of this, but I just want this miraculous energy burst. Where is it?

Where is it?