The cold doctor's visit

Last night I had a routine check up with my doctor. I have felt very grateful to have found her. She is warm and articulate and knows a lot. Last night however was difficult. Firstly, the room was cold. I was cold. I felt uncomfortable and realized that before pregnancy I used to avoid the doctor mostly and this constant prodding was starting to exhaust me.

There is something about a doctor where a person feels self-conscious about asking too many questions. I always ask in an apologetic manner, "I'm sorry for asking, but..." So, I ask my list of questions which she answers in a banal manner as if she has been asked these questions a million times before (so I may be a little paranoid). In any event, I felt odd for some reason. Like there are no real answers and her guess is as good as mine. There seems to be nothing definitive about medicine.

Then we get to the table where she puts the cold gel on my stomach and I feel self-conscious again as I move my jeans further and further down so she can get a good look. I start shivering. She moves the ultra sound thing around my belly and starts looking keenly at the screen. I see my boyfriend look at the screen, but I can't really see anything. And all of a sudden I am weary of these ultra sounds. I can never really discern that much on the screen and apart from making sure the little one's heart is beating, I don't really care about seeing him "wave" or move about. This is how I feel today. No waving or connection. I am just cold and uncomfortable.

And it occurs to me that women in this position are not supposed to be self conscious. After all, they are participating in the most "natural" process in the world. However, even at my ripe old age of 38, I am self conscious. I don't like being exposed and I don't like having my legs open on the stirrups. I don't like my breasts being checked. I just don't like it. It feels like I do not have any ownership over my body in these moments.

Then the doctor says she can't see enough and he is "too low". All of a sudden my boyfriend and I are asking her, what does "too low" mean? Is everything OK? Yes, yes she consoles us- he's just hard to see. So she gets the ole probe with a condom on and some more cold gel and I put my legs on those horrible stirrups and she starts moving the probe this way and that and I can't even look at the screen I am so cold and uncomfortable. To her credit, she did put the heater on, however by that point I was already chilled. Chilled by this process. Already tired of being looked at in this way. Her cold hands then check my belly.

She says "he's big" -which worries me. Although she also posits this with the caveat that right now in the second trimester all babies grow at different speeds. Of course now I have a vision of a ten pound baby trying to make its way out...

So, we leave the doctor. Another expensive test (I still do not have health insurance), looms in a few weeks. And I start getting scared about what's to come. More doctors. Hospitals. And how in the world is he going to get out of me?

It's exhausting.

And today I wake up with a bad cold. Cést la vie.

Tomorrow's another day.