Musings

Not that I am saying anything new, but the more I investigate where and how I want to give birth, the more conflicting views I encounter. It seems there is a very dramatic divide between those who believe in natural childbirth and those who believe in intervention and hospital procedures. It is hard for me to talk about it in the abstract of course, never having been through the process. However, I can speak to my experience thus far of being pregnant. And in this regard, I can say that the medical profession has been relatively dehumanizing in its treatment of me. No surprise I guess as generally the medical profession isn't known for is humanity (ironically).

When reading various books about birth and the experience of women giving birth there is not a lot which speaks to the emotional ramifications of what is going on and that is perhaps the most disturbing aspect of this new world for me. I assume, back in the day, when women were giving birth in caves that nobody tried to psychoanalyze what these women were going through. Yet at the same time, these women (from what I know), had strong female communities giving these women emotional support and wisdom. Now, we go into a bright hospital and have to lie on a bed (totally unnatural for birthing) and take drugs to make our legs numb in order not to feel the pain. It just doesn't feel right. But there is much to be said, on the other hand, for evolution. Where does the truth lie?

The "truth", as far as I can understand it, is that if we believe we will experience pain we will. I have heard many women say to me, how can such a big thing come out of such a little place (I have said this myself). Lately though, I am thinking, it isn't such a small place when giving birth. It expands. One's body accommodates. That is how it all works. There is a method to the madness. Our bodies are supposed to do this. Just as something going in can feel pleasurable or painful, depending on our mental state, I am presuming, something going out can feel similarly. At least to a degree...

I am mumbling. The thing is, I am starting to feel passionate about womens' care and birthing. I understand that I may have every intervention there is. Perhaps I will have to get a c-section? Perhaps I will yell for an epidural within five minutes of labor? I hope I don't, but I am open. I will not look at it as a failure. The thing is, I would like to have every choice available to me in this process. And, I would like the time and the encouragement to be whoever I am as a pregnant woman.

No man can ever know what this feels like. Women know, but so many shut themselves down. Like there is no accessible language to articulate their feelings so they block themselves. Live in denial. And so, I may be labeled neurotic for deciding to go INTO this experience rather than out. But let's face it. This is it. This is where we begin in this world. We are birthed. And we give birth. I am in for the ride, even as uncomfortable as this whole thing is.

And it is uncomfortable...