New York: I have just come back from a difficult yoga class. I am hot and sweaty and every muscle aches. On my way home I drink a fresh vegetable juice. I shower and put on perfume and some tight pair of jeans (my legs are skinny) and a pretty top. Freshly showered I go meet my boyfriend for some good quality sushi and sake. I drink the sake and it goes to my head a little and I smell my perfume and the taste of alcohol. I feel good and strong and attractive.
Tel Aviv: I sit on the couch with my pregnant belly getting so big that I am beginning to waddle (only just). I am a little sick as I ate too much for breakfast (yet again) and my stomach muscles are aching around the top of my belly. My head is like cotton wool. I am watching "Dr Phil".
New Aviv: I come home after yoga, with a fresh vegetable juice in hand. I am strong again. I fit into all my old clothes. It is a warm day and there is a spring in my step. I open the door and my boyfriend is waiting there with our son. We leave for a a swim and a surf (my boyfriend and I take turns watching the baby while we surf).
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Projection
Last night I went with my boyfriend to some family friends of his. We sat around a table and three children under five were making a lot of noise. It was deafening. Besides a frustrated feeling on my own part of the increasing volume, I started feeling the familiar kicks of the little thing in me. He was banging away in there and I thought, oh, the noise must be too much for him also!
On the way home in the car I had a moment of talking to the little thing, i.e., "Don't worry honey the noise is gone now. That was too much for you hey?" To which my boyfriend responded, don't project! I defended myself, no, no, he really started kicking when the noise of the kids started. My boyfriend then said to me that I had no idea why the baby was kicking, or why it was different to him kicking like normal (as he always does when I am sitting), and we shouldn't go down the path projecting our own feelings (i.e, the noise was too loud for me), onto our child. I nodded in agreement. And then internally registered that comment on a deeper level. He was right. It is a slippery slope. I want this child to be unencumbered by my "stuff".
Wise boyfriend.
On the way home in the car I had a moment of talking to the little thing, i.e., "Don't worry honey the noise is gone now. That was too much for you hey?" To which my boyfriend responded, don't project! I defended myself, no, no, he really started kicking when the noise of the kids started. My boyfriend then said to me that I had no idea why the baby was kicking, or why it was different to him kicking like normal (as he always does when I am sitting), and we shouldn't go down the path projecting our own feelings (i.e, the noise was too loud for me), onto our child. I nodded in agreement. And then internally registered that comment on a deeper level. He was right. It is a slippery slope. I want this child to be unencumbered by my "stuff".
Wise boyfriend.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Sushi encounter
Last night my boyfriend and I went to an "all-you-can-eat" sushi (a pregnant woman's dream minus the fact I can't eat raw fish). The place was a bar and we sat around the counter and I endured the "vegetarian" sushi coming my way. At some point a pretty blond girl came and sat next to us and I quickly realized she was an English speaker. Another beer later (for my boyfriend), she started talking to me and asked where I was from etc etc. She was English and not Jewish, however decided to come to Israel as she "just loves it here". In any event, she told us she was a nanny and then offered her services to us as she mimed patting my belly.
It was strange.
All my life I was that girl. Especially when traveling, I would gain employment as a babysitter and as a nanny all my life (once a live-in nanny in San Francisco). Now, someone was offering their services to me! It was a turning point in my life. And not all good. Instantly I felt old. Oh, I am a mother now and this girl/woman sees me as a "mother" (well, mother-to-be). It was just so surreal and confronting. Why couldn't I embrace this?
As we were walking home I told my boyfriend about my reaction and he was like, well, you are older than her and you are a mother in a minute. It was truly a moment of confrontation and acceptance for me. Am I really one of those women I used to work for? I will engage someone at some stage (I hope), to help me look after my boy. She will walk in full of her own life and hope for the future and form some kind of sweet relationship with my son. I will be half apologetic (guilty for leaving) and concerned but grateful she will be there.
How things change.
Life is full of surprises.
It was strange.
All my life I was that girl. Especially when traveling, I would gain employment as a babysitter and as a nanny all my life (once a live-in nanny in San Francisco). Now, someone was offering their services to me! It was a turning point in my life. And not all good. Instantly I felt old. Oh, I am a mother now and this girl/woman sees me as a "mother" (well, mother-to-be). It was just so surreal and confronting. Why couldn't I embrace this?
As we were walking home I told my boyfriend about my reaction and he was like, well, you are older than her and you are a mother in a minute. It was truly a moment of confrontation and acceptance for me. Am I really one of those women I used to work for? I will engage someone at some stage (I hope), to help me look after my boy. She will walk in full of her own life and hope for the future and form some kind of sweet relationship with my son. I will be half apologetic (guilty for leaving) and concerned but grateful she will be there.
How things change.
Life is full of surprises.
Too much to read
Like everything else, the apprehension of an event is very different from the reality of an event. While I find myself worrying about different questions, most mothers have been there and done that and tell me that I will figure it out. Lately, I have been worried about breast feeding. I have witnessed many women breast feed and have seen many women wince as the baby first attaches to the breast. Eventually it all seems rote, but I do remember the beginnings. And, like everything in pregnancy, what seems like it should be "natural" does not seem to be such a natural process.
I read this book the other day called "The Baby Whisperer", which discusses getting a baby onto a schedule as soon as possible. It talks about how to breast feed and when to breast feed. Then I read another book, "Baby Love" (which is generally fantastic), and it muddies this process by saying "whatever works". The thing is, before I started reading I wasn't so confused, however reading different books has left me with a sense of unease. Am I up to this?
I have convinced my boyfriend that I am pretty confident with babies. That, more or less, is true. However, I do not feel confident with the initial six weeks. I am scared of the sleep deprivation and of the confusion of breast feeding/sleep patterns etc etc. And, I am also scared of how overwhelmingly demanding it will all be.
I think I am going to stop reading for now and let my intuition take the reigns. In this day of saturation of information there is no end to the multitude of differing views. I need to trust myself.
Trust. Faith.
I read this book the other day called "The Baby Whisperer", which discusses getting a baby onto a schedule as soon as possible. It talks about how to breast feed and when to breast feed. Then I read another book, "Baby Love" (which is generally fantastic), and it muddies this process by saying "whatever works". The thing is, before I started reading I wasn't so confused, however reading different books has left me with a sense of unease. Am I up to this?
I have convinced my boyfriend that I am pretty confident with babies. That, more or less, is true. However, I do not feel confident with the initial six weeks. I am scared of the sleep deprivation and of the confusion of breast feeding/sleep patterns etc etc. And, I am also scared of how overwhelmingly demanding it will all be.
I think I am going to stop reading for now and let my intuition take the reigns. In this day of saturation of information there is no end to the multitude of differing views. I need to trust myself.
Trust. Faith.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Blurred profiles
Sometimes, I think this is all a dream. I float past a mirror hoping to see the "old me" and am shocked at the swollen profile that confronts me. How often in life does our body mutate (or should I say, transform), in front of us? We take images of pregnancy for granted, however when it is happening it is a dynamic force. There is nothing I can do to stop the process unraveling. Whether I like it or not, this baby is growing inside me. I am pregnant.
It still feels weird to say. All my life I wanted to be pregnant. I would place my hands on a pregnant woman's belly and feel its hard girth and be so envious of the sheer life force taking place. It seemed so amazing to me. And then, children. All my life I have looked after the children of other people. I have changed countless diapers. Sang soft lullabies to get them to sleep. Rocked them to sleep. Played endlessly with blocks and make believe stories. It was a big part of my life. I even lived with a newborn, helping the mother by walking the baby up and down the hallway in the middle of the night.
Now, all these images (nostalgia), integral to one part of my self identity, have floated away (as I float past the mirror). Instead I am somehow bogged down with the weight of gravity (gravitas). The weight of reality. Did I ever live in reality? Did I ever quite conceive of the true ramifications of having a child? Despite all my "experience" with children, I never really and truly lived it.
Now I will.
So, this time is a confronting one on many levels. Not only do I experience the abject corporeal heaviness of my growing belly, but the ongoing recognition that my life is less muted now but colored with what is, not what if.
It's a strange new frontier. I don't feel as confident as I should be.
Maybe that's a good place to start.
It still feels weird to say. All my life I wanted to be pregnant. I would place my hands on a pregnant woman's belly and feel its hard girth and be so envious of the sheer life force taking place. It seemed so amazing to me. And then, children. All my life I have looked after the children of other people. I have changed countless diapers. Sang soft lullabies to get them to sleep. Rocked them to sleep. Played endlessly with blocks and make believe stories. It was a big part of my life. I even lived with a newborn, helping the mother by walking the baby up and down the hallway in the middle of the night.
Now, all these images (nostalgia), integral to one part of my self identity, have floated away (as I float past the mirror). Instead I am somehow bogged down with the weight of gravity (gravitas). The weight of reality. Did I ever live in reality? Did I ever quite conceive of the true ramifications of having a child? Despite all my "experience" with children, I never really and truly lived it.
Now I will.
So, this time is a confronting one on many levels. Not only do I experience the abject corporeal heaviness of my growing belly, but the ongoing recognition that my life is less muted now but colored with what is, not what if.
It's a strange new frontier. I don't feel as confident as I should be.
Maybe that's a good place to start.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Dimensions
So. 25 weeks. More than half way there. It feels like forever...
Last week we had a 3D scan taken of the little thing. It was weird. They gave us a DVD and you can see him yawning and stretching his mouth and the doctor said he had his hand around the umbilical cord. It was odd. He didn't look so pretty. He kind of looked strange. He looked a little like my boyfriend (who does not look strange), but otherwise alien. Not alien in the sense that he was not human, but alien in the sense that he didn't look connected to me in any way. I had always assumed that somehow he would look like me. Or at least be an even facsimile of both my and my boyfriend's features. However looking at him in there, he looked like someone I had never seen before. Yes, I probably sound a little naive in this case. I know he is his own person. Yet, the images seem wrong somehow. Like we are not supposed to see babies inside the womb. It is unnatural.
In any event, the later surprise was twofold. Firstly, I swear, that baby is well-endowed (my boyfriend was proud to see). It was quite a shock seeing the scan and I had to ask my boyfriend if he thought it was possible a fetus could have an erection in the womb?! So unequivocally MALE. The second surprise was that apparently my baby measures two weeks larger than his due date. Which means a a few things potentially however all it initially meant was that I burst into tears in a panic.
After we calmed down we realized (after talking to our doctor), that measuring two weeks larger does not have to mean much at this stage and it does not mean I will have a big baby or he will come early (or it could mean both). However, right now there is no need for any alarm and he could even out and in any event, the measuring technology is imprecise.
It's all so tenuous this process. Now, I am worrying as I seem to feel faint and light headed after I eat. Medical results say nothing is wrong, but it feels wrong to me...
In the hands of fate...
Last week we had a 3D scan taken of the little thing. It was weird. They gave us a DVD and you can see him yawning and stretching his mouth and the doctor said he had his hand around the umbilical cord. It was odd. He didn't look so pretty. He kind of looked strange. He looked a little like my boyfriend (who does not look strange), but otherwise alien. Not alien in the sense that he was not human, but alien in the sense that he didn't look connected to me in any way. I had always assumed that somehow he would look like me. Or at least be an even facsimile of both my and my boyfriend's features. However looking at him in there, he looked like someone I had never seen before. Yes, I probably sound a little naive in this case. I know he is his own person. Yet, the images seem wrong somehow. Like we are not supposed to see babies inside the womb. It is unnatural.
In any event, the later surprise was twofold. Firstly, I swear, that baby is well-endowed (my boyfriend was proud to see). It was quite a shock seeing the scan and I had to ask my boyfriend if he thought it was possible a fetus could have an erection in the womb?! So unequivocally MALE. The second surprise was that apparently my baby measures two weeks larger than his due date. Which means a a few things potentially however all it initially meant was that I burst into tears in a panic.
After we calmed down we realized (after talking to our doctor), that measuring two weeks larger does not have to mean much at this stage and it does not mean I will have a big baby or he will come early (or it could mean both). However, right now there is no need for any alarm and he could even out and in any event, the measuring technology is imprecise.
It's all so tenuous this process. Now, I am worrying as I seem to feel faint and light headed after I eat. Medical results say nothing is wrong, but it feels wrong to me...
In the hands of fate...
Monday, March 8, 2010
Swollen watermelon
Well, it's official. I have put on way too much weight. Notwithstanding any condition (like gestational diabetes), I only have myself to blame. When I arrived in Israel I ate like I had never ate before. Ever. Hamburgers, pizza, falafel, white bread etc etc. And now I am paying the consequences. From a previously active life of yoga two to three times a week and mostly raw/vegan food, to eating complete and utter crap. Now my eating is back to "normal" generally, but it is too late. I am fat.
Fat.
Fat.
And people are commenting now. It's funny, I remember seeing a pregnant friend once and thinking, oh wow, she has put on weight! And, now I will be one of those women that people think that about. They will greet me and say hi and I will see their eyes kind of bulge a little at my huge size! I feel like a swollen watermelon on steroids. It's the worst.
And every time I get weighed, it seems to go higher. This is not good. I am eating only good and healthy food now and cutting back substantially on portion size etc. I am going to yoga (well, prenatal which is as gentle as almost doing nothing), and walking a lot. But whatever I do I just keep growing and growing and growing...
Fat.
FAT.FAT.FAT.FAT.
And every body tells me that I will lose it after the birth and of course I will lose some! But, losing weight is difficult, especially at my geriatric age.
This baby better be cute...
Fat.
Fat.
And people are commenting now. It's funny, I remember seeing a pregnant friend once and thinking, oh wow, she has put on weight! And, now I will be one of those women that people think that about. They will greet me and say hi and I will see their eyes kind of bulge a little at my huge size! I feel like a swollen watermelon on steroids. It's the worst.
And every time I get weighed, it seems to go higher. This is not good. I am eating only good and healthy food now and cutting back substantially on portion size etc. I am going to yoga (well, prenatal which is as gentle as almost doing nothing), and walking a lot. But whatever I do I just keep growing and growing and growing...
Fat.
FAT.FAT.FAT.FAT.
And every body tells me that I will lose it after the birth and of course I will lose some! But, losing weight is difficult, especially at my geriatric age.
This baby better be cute...
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