Falafel

Lately, once again, I have been having anxiety. I believe it is due to the nightmare I had the other day (which I posted about). Apparently, according to my research online, my feelings are unique. So I alone can take credit for this neurosis (although I did read one article about a woman expressing my fears but along with a myriad of crazy others).

So, I have been feeling weird/scared/repulsed/strange at the baby moving inside me now. At first it was all very cute to feel him move (which he does often), but since my nightmare I have felt this abject feeling towards the little thing. I get into a panic and just want it out of me. The only way I can feel better is to firstly, think of it as the child I am having with my boyfriend (and not the alien fetus inside me), and also to just not think of it (avoiding sweet foods so he doesn't move as much). The other night he kept me up all night he was moving so much. I am trying to sleep and be in denial and all I feel are the little dings and bangs of who knows what in there!

My boyfriend had wise advice. But let me digress. My sister and I were emailing the other day, and she remarked that every baby needs to have a "womb name". Some cute and superfluous name. So she hereby named my baby, "Falafel". I love it. It cracks me up every time I say it. And to tell you the truth, he has Falafel tendencies: he is middle eastern, delicious and little. So, on with my story.

My boyfriend said to me when I was expressing this anxiety: Just remember, it's Falafel in there.

Those words eased my tension a lot.

Still, daily I am struggling with this. And it seems like I am alone. None of my friends seem to have experienced this during pregnancy. I think a part of my anxiety is that currently I have too much time on my hands to be aware of every little nuance of my body. I have always been hyper aware of my body and all that goes on so this is like the absolute condition. Something is alive inside of me. OK, doesn't this freak ANYONE out?

Falfafel. Just think Falafel.

Natural nightmare

Last night I had a horrible nightmare. The baby's limbs were protruding through my skin out far so a limb was fully extended (like some alien). And the feet were huge and I realized he was fully grown and people said I had to give birth now (at 22 weeks) and I was crying and so scared. I woke up in a panic and had to wait awhile before I could sleep again.

Even this morning, feeling him move inside is a little creepy post dream.

I wonder if other women have nightmares like that during pregnancy?

So, in the on-going saga of whether to go "natural" or not, I am re-thinking epidural again. I spoke to one of my best friends in Australia who has had three children and she convinced me that no birth is truly "natural" and if the process was so natural then why do women all around the world have extreme complications, even death, giving birth? She has a point. Even now my body feels like it is in shock and that this process is anything but natural. At the same time, it is the essential act of nature. The most pristine event that accompanies life on this earth. Thousands of women give birth every day and have since the dawn of time. Surely it is natural?

In any event, for me personally it may come down to finances as my health insurance does not cover a "natural" birth and the birthing center is expensive. Add the doula and the post-hospital "hotels" here in Israel and we are looking at an expensive birth. So the question remains...

I imagine the answer is going to be somewhere in the middle...

Tank tops

Lately, I have just been feeling anxious. I am always worried about the little one's movements. Is he moving enough? I have a second anatomy scan this week and really looking forward to it.

This whole process is really anxiety-provoking. Not only am I contending with the daily tracking of his health and mine, but I am still worried about how the birth will go. My boyfriend and I are looking at a natural birthing center this week. It is attached to a hospital however, which brings some relief. I spoke to another woman yesterday about her story and about how the complications meant a c-section for her...

And, while I do not like to admit my failings, I spent half the day the other day watching an MTV series called "!6 and Pregnant" on my computer. I watched six births and all of the young mothers looked like they were in agony until the moment they received the epidural and then they were all happy and joking and while it looked uncomfortable while they pushed, it didn't look painful. Most women who have had children kind of laugh when I say I may try the "natural" version and most like to inform me that even when they have a high threshold to pain, it still was too painful to go sans epidural.

So, I am feeling a little confused about it.

But mostly these days just anxiety. My mother sent me my very first present for the baby. Little tank tops from my favorite Australian cotton brand, Bonds. They are the cutest thing I have ever seen and it was quite surreal to think they will actually be used (I hope) one day. I have them by my bed. I can't quite put them away just yet. I just like looking at them for now... But with their arrival comes a new anxiety that is about the desire for everything to go well. The stakes get higher every day.

Now I want him. I want to see him in the little tank top.

Ina May Gaskin

I have spent the last few days reading a book called "Ina May's Guide to Childbirth" and I have to say, it is truly inspiring. All these women speak of birth being "orgasmic" and "spiritual" and none of them tear or injure themselves in any serious way. It has led me to think a lot about how I would like to give birth. It also makes me realize that we come to birth with a whole set of languages and assumptions and cultural heaviness that it is hard to see the wood for the trees.

For me, labor and delivery is about the bright lights of hospital, sudden C-sections, epidurals, shaking, pain, fear, and being totally disempowered. I have taken this to be what happens and what will happen to me. Interestingly, I actually know for a fact- having witnessed it- that natural childbirth can be relatively seamless. My friend that I watched giving birth did so in a dim lit room with an oil burner and it was quiet and fast. I remember she just yelled once (when the head was crowning) and that's it. So, contrary to most of my other friends' stories, this one was unique.

And that's just it. That birth was the only birth I have ever heard of that was not complicated and set in a hospital (it was in a birthing center next to the hospital). I hate hospitals. Just going to a hospital scares me without even the thought of having to give birth in one. I hate the way doctors treat a person. I hate the de-humanization process that takes place.

And so that's why this book has been so interesting to me. Birth as a spiritual experience? Can it be done? Can I do it? I don't know if I have the strength. On the one hand, I want to make this experience a deep one. I want my son's life to begin in a positive way. On the other hand, as I have mentioned before, I am an advocate for taking medication when I am in pain. To a degree however. I have had success with Chinese medicine and acupuncture. I have increased my immune system with herbs, healthy eating and yoga. I have tried to take an alternative approach generally. So, maybe it is possible?

I believe mainly it is the fear that gets in the way. Fear of the unknown. I am not really scared of the pain per se, I am scared of the baby being in a position where it is not safe. I believe that the pain is temporary and somehow giving birth is a singularly temporary experience. That said, I cannot predict how I will encounter pain.

Last night I felt a short, stabbing pain which I sometimes feel. It is said to be round ligament pain. My ovaries stretching to accommodate the little one. However, I thought to myself last night, wow, if this is anything similar to the type of pain in childbirth then this is going to hurt! A lot!

I don't know. I really don't...

Belly

The good news: the amniocentesis results came back and the little one is a healthy baby.

And it was a sweet moment when I found out as I was sitting on a bus and felt this overwhelming rush of love for the baby inside me (perhaps for the first time), and at that exact moment my boyfriend called and told me the good news. The convergence of acceptance and hope.

It was a weird day also, because on the first bus ride (to Jerusalem to become a legitimate citizen of this country), I was sitting next to this woman who kept accidentally jabbing my side. It was the first time I really felt this protective urge and I kept moving and holding my belly so she couldn't have any access to it. I didn't want this strange woman's energy next to my baby.

All this belly talk...

BRAT

So, back on the BRAT diet. Bananas, rice, apple sauce and toast. My stomach seems to be conspiring against me, along with my throat and general feeling of well-being. This is just getting better and better. Not.

In other news, my boyfriend finally was at the right time and the right place to feel the baby move and it was pretty cute. I had really been wanting him to feel him and it was very touching. It feels like the little thing is punching and kicking my stomach in the cutest, softest way. I am constantly wondering what he is doing in there?

So, even though my insides are in disarray, my belly looks pregnant and the baby is moving like an athlete. The other night my boyfriend and I went to a dinner party and a couple of the guests (who I know and feel comfortable with), felt my belly. It was strange as this was the first time I have been pregnant enough for people to actually see it (and feel it). I remember always wanting to touch the belly's of pregnant women, but once remember my pregnant friend telling me it was weird as in "real life" you don't go about touching the belly's of other women. And from then on, if I really felt the desire, I would ask her if it was OK before I touched her belly (the desire to touch never went away). So, now I am one of those women whose belly people want to touch. How many times can one use the word "belly" in a sentence?

Back to some toast.

Attachment part two

As I am writing today, the little thing is really moving about. Sometimes when I put my hand there it stops. My boyfriend has yet to feel it, but I feel any day now he will have a chance. I really am excited for him to feel it.

So, next week we find out the results of the Amniocentesis. If there is something wrong we will have the option to terminate. Today I am nervous as this would be difficult for me. Of course. However I am not sure what aspect of it would be the most difficult, going through the procedure, going through the loss of hope, or actually being sad about the little thing in me. Right now I still have mixed feelings about how attached I am.

A friend said something interesting recently about the little movements I am experiencing, which is, that in retrospect, knowing who actually came out, she wished she was more aware and more attached to the movements. Right now for me it is amorphous. I have no idea who this being is. However I can see what she is saying. Once I am attached to this creature in real life I will be able to look back and be nostalgic for his little movements in my womb. Perhaps the movements will be indicative of his personality somehow.

Another friend told me something very sweet about her attachment to her baby, which is that after he was born she still felt very much connected in the sense that they were one unit together. When she had to make doctor appointments for both her check up and her baby's, she made the one appointment, only to find out she needed to make two separate appointments. She didn't feel so separate. I love this story.

It is an evolution this process- and yes, why it is said that you really need these nine months in order to go through the myriad of emotions we endure. I think how different it must have been when my mother was going through this. No ultra sounds or Amnio. No real indication of anything but the eventual movements of the baby (me). I wonder how the connection at this time manifested then?

Lately I have been feeling like I have a little buddy with me. Someone along for the ride (literally). It is sweet but I am trying to be careful not to fetishize this feeling. I don't want to encourage a desire that the baby is here for me. I want to be there for him. I am aware of how it would be possible for women to use their children as their own safety objects and I don't want to create a neurotic agenda this early. Yet, still, there is something very interesting about having this person inside me. He is with me all the time.

It's all so interesting.

But, just so I don't miss my daily complaint: I wish I didn't feel so sick!