Last night I had one of those long dreams that seem to continue like an epic adventure. This dream was about my baby. It was probably one of the first I have had like it. Yesterday (whilst consuming a hamburger my boyfriend and I ordered in), we watched (in keeping with the trashy food), a terrible show called "Against All Odds" where they showed babies being born in crazy circumstances- one of them being a woman in a coma giving birth in the coma. I guess I appropriated this image for my dream and in a matter of a dream hour I effortlessly gave birth to my boy. In the dream everyone kept asking me if I had given birth and I was like, "yeah, no problem".
So, then I am with this dark-haired baby (of course in my dream he looks like me and not my boyfriend- in real life I kind of want him to look like my boyfriend). And this baby is divine. I just want to smell him and hold him and watch him sleep. And then I breast feed him (with absolute ease of course in the dream) and I am overwhelmed with how much I love him.
That said: no dream is just a dream and it had an edge of nightmare when for the rest of the night I somehow couldn't get back to feed him and so was in a state of panic. However, once returned to feed him, the ease and love would return. I guess that is what being a parent is about- that mixed feeling of love and anxiety.
That was my night. I believe that part of the dream was initiated by the fact that I have been feeling him move quite a bit the last two days. The movements are only felt on the inside like flutters and soft beats, but they are unmistakable. I believe the other part of the dream was initiated by the fact that an old mentor of mine emailed me yesterday (after I emailed him about the pregnancy), and he said that he could see me really enjoying this "production" of my own and he remembered me making a book for his little boy back when I looked after him occasionally. I do not remember this, but know I have always been a huge, huge fan of children. Somehow I keep overlooking the fact that I am going to be in seventh heaven with one of my own. It doesn't seem like the story fits...
So, now after my morning coffee I am waking up to the fact that this may actually be exactly what the doctor ordered.
One cute baby I can love as much as I want.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
To E or not to E...
So, I recently found out (maybe erroneously), that having a lower back tattoo (which I have), may impede the ability to receive an epidural during labor. I do not know for a fact if this is true, and my doctor will take a gander at the location of my tattoo next time I see her, but it's definitely a strange (and terrifying) thought.
I have always thought I would have an epidural as a matter of course. I have never understood these women who want to give birth "naturally". As far as I can see, there is not much that is natural about this whole process. At least for me.
However now faced with the remote possibility that I will be forbidden to take any course of action but the "natural" one is definitely something intriguing. What the X factor in all of this is that nobody can really project what kind of birth it will be? Will I be one of those women who can just pop out a baby in a few hours (I somehow doubt that), or a woman who goes into labor for 30 hours? My mother was in labor for a long time, however I am not sure if that is any real indicator for me (and our pregnancies are very different). Could I do it naturally? The fact is, I have no idea. That said, when I have a headache I take medication. When I have a cold, I take medication. I don't like feeling pain if I don't have to. Who does?
The only thing I am thinking about in this situation is that when you give birth naturally you have more pain blocking endorphin things that happen. And you heal quicker...That's what I have read anyway.
Again, the whole thing just seems so odd and scary and troubling. I know everyone does it. I know it's going to happen whether I like it or not. It's just weird!
I just ate some butter and honey on a fresh roll and I can feel him move about a little. It's kind of cute.
I have always thought I would have an epidural as a matter of course. I have never understood these women who want to give birth "naturally". As far as I can see, there is not much that is natural about this whole process. At least for me.
However now faced with the remote possibility that I will be forbidden to take any course of action but the "natural" one is definitely something intriguing. What the X factor in all of this is that nobody can really project what kind of birth it will be? Will I be one of those women who can just pop out a baby in a few hours (I somehow doubt that), or a woman who goes into labor for 30 hours? My mother was in labor for a long time, however I am not sure if that is any real indicator for me (and our pregnancies are very different). Could I do it naturally? The fact is, I have no idea. That said, when I have a headache I take medication. When I have a cold, I take medication. I don't like feeling pain if I don't have to. Who does?
The only thing I am thinking about in this situation is that when you give birth naturally you have more pain blocking endorphin things that happen. And you heal quicker...That's what I have read anyway.
Again, the whole thing just seems so odd and scary and troubling. I know everyone does it. I know it's going to happen whether I like it or not. It's just weird!
I just ate some butter and honey on a fresh roll and I can feel him move about a little. It's kind of cute.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Victim
Yesterday I had my hair dyed and cut. Whilst sitting at the hairdressers I looked at my reflection in the bright lit mirror and was disgusted. My legs seemed to have grown wider than I have ever seen them. I kept making sure the black smock was pressed down as far as it could go past my knees and the offending thighs.
In time though, I started thinking about how I have been a victim to this pregnancy. My body the sacrifice. Yes, at 20 weeks I still feel sick. I thought after my bad cold and coughing that I would "wake up" to a new me without the hangover feeling, but alas, today I feel it more than ever. That said, sitting at the hairdressers I was convinced that from this point on things are going to be different. I am going to pretend I am not pregnant. I am going to go about my life as usual. Omit bad food, go to yoga like a maniac, and feel like I can dress like a normal person. This was my vow.
The rest of the evening I was full of energy. What had I been doing before? I had let this pregnancy determine who I was and what I was capable of. No more. Yes, there was something growing in me, but I could still participate in the world like a full human being? Yes!
This was it.
No more victim!
Today though I feel awful. Again. It is raining outside and I feel like I have cotton wool in my head, mixed with a tinge of nausea. I feel
like
a
victim.
In time though, I started thinking about how I have been a victim to this pregnancy. My body the sacrifice. Yes, at 20 weeks I still feel sick. I thought after my bad cold and coughing that I would "wake up" to a new me without the hangover feeling, but alas, today I feel it more than ever. That said, sitting at the hairdressers I was convinced that from this point on things are going to be different. I am going to pretend I am not pregnant. I am going to go about my life as usual. Omit bad food, go to yoga like a maniac, and feel like I can dress like a normal person. This was my vow.
The rest of the evening I was full of energy. What had I been doing before? I had let this pregnancy determine who I was and what I was capable of. No more. Yes, there was something growing in me, but I could still participate in the world like a full human being? Yes!
This was it.
No more victim!
Today though I feel awful. Again. It is raining outside and I feel like I have cotton wool in my head, mixed with a tinge of nausea. I feel
like
a
victim.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Alien attachment
In keeping with this new attachment theme I am currently experiencing, the one deficit to this growing emotion is that I have still yet to feel the baby "move". And to be honest, I am not sure how I feel about the feeling of it moving. There is a part of me that is excited for this, however another part of me is kind of creeped out by this. It is an alien experience being pregnant and it is also alien to have an alien in you. My alien.
Generally, it is not a common experience to have something in one's body move without explanation or control. We do not have our livers fling about or our stomach's reel in flits of spams. That said, we do experience gas, probably the closest feeling to the movement of a baby (at least the initial ones). Again, pregnancy lends itself to this separation of self. There is no autonomous body but a big body (bigger every day) and a little parasitic body inside the big body, which has no jurisdiction over this little body.
Everyone tells me it is a flutter or a bubble and I have felt this. At least I am pretty sure. It is a little like gas. So maybe I have felt it "move" but not in any distinct way. There is of course, comfort in feeling it move. The alien is alive! However, more and more as he gets bigger I am getting more and more apprehensive about the movement.
I do feel primarily like a vessel. And I have a feeling that the more he moves, the more I am going to feel like his walking airplane. It's an abstract feeling. More than that however, I feel weird about it. There is a part of me that wants to scream, "get it out, get it out" like I really have some kind of close encounter alien squirming to get out.
This is a trip.
Generally, it is not a common experience to have something in one's body move without explanation or control. We do not have our livers fling about or our stomach's reel in flits of spams. That said, we do experience gas, probably the closest feeling to the movement of a baby (at least the initial ones). Again, pregnancy lends itself to this separation of self. There is no autonomous body but a big body (bigger every day) and a little parasitic body inside the big body, which has no jurisdiction over this little body.
Everyone tells me it is a flutter or a bubble and I have felt this. At least I am pretty sure. It is a little like gas. So maybe I have felt it "move" but not in any distinct way. There is of course, comfort in feeling it move. The alien is alive! However, more and more as he gets bigger I am getting more and more apprehensive about the movement.
I do feel primarily like a vessel. And I have a feeling that the more he moves, the more I am going to feel like his walking airplane. It's an abstract feeling. More than that however, I feel weird about it. There is a part of me that wants to scream, "get it out, get it out" like I really have some kind of close encounter alien squirming to get out.
This is a trip.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Birth fear
I will say this: Having a bad cold and being pregnant is no fun. However, the upside is that having a blocked nose and a terrible cough is distracting me from the general hangover feeling I have from the pregnancy. Yesterday, for a brief hour or two I felt a little better from my cold and then I started feeling the hangover feeling again. Good one.
So. It's happening. I'm getting attached. I am not sure when it happened, but in the last week I have been feeling excited. All of a sudden I am attached to the outcome of this bloated body. Who is he going to be? Who will he look like? However, with that comes more anxiety. The biggest being, how in the world am I going to give birth to him?
I have many, may friends who have had babies. All of them have a particular birth story. All of them, when asked about how their birth was? give a BIG sigh and say, well, mine was pretty tough. I have never met anyone who was like, oh, birth? It was great! That isn't entirely true as I know from my friends that the second and the third birth always seems to be a lot easier. The first, not so much.
I have actually watched a birth. A long time ago (16 or 17 years ago?) in a birthing center. The mother was a dancer and I guess was used to a certain amount of pain. The birth looked pretty good. She lay on a bean bag and her partner cradled her and all I remember is having her first child in my lap watching with her thumb in her mouth as this mother to be gave a few groans and pushes and out came the baby. I also remember, quite vividly, going to find her some dinner that night and bringing her back a huge plate of pasta which she ate with such gusto and relish that I will never forget the image. Pretty seamless.
That said, more often than not the birth stories I have heard always involve something unusual. Always there is a complication that nobody had really heard of. Always the woman describing the birth will say, well, in my case they had to....
They had to....
Cut, chop, insert, incise...
So: I am nervous. I have been told that in Israel the doctors do not attend births but the midwives handle. This is a little sad for me as I would so love my doctor to be there. I like her manner. She would be a calming influence for me and my boyfriend. I have been told that it is very business like in the hospital and that the midwives do the minimum needed.
I am already planning to have an epidural. I have no idea what kind of pain we are talking about here, but an epidural seems like the "easy" way out. It all seems so vague though. And nobody seems to remember exactly how to describe the pain. Pain is hard to describe in any event. It is existential to the core. Fleeting and deep, however wordless.
The unknown. I have to embrace it. For this is completely and utterly unknown. I know I will feel pain. I know I will feel scared. That's about it.
I wonder why other women don't seem to talk about this fear? Is it too neurotic to be pondering birth at this stage? The bigger he gets the more I think about it. How in the world will he get out?
How?
So. It's happening. I'm getting attached. I am not sure when it happened, but in the last week I have been feeling excited. All of a sudden I am attached to the outcome of this bloated body. Who is he going to be? Who will he look like? However, with that comes more anxiety. The biggest being, how in the world am I going to give birth to him?
I have many, may friends who have had babies. All of them have a particular birth story. All of them, when asked about how their birth was? give a BIG sigh and say, well, mine was pretty tough. I have never met anyone who was like, oh, birth? It was great! That isn't entirely true as I know from my friends that the second and the third birth always seems to be a lot easier. The first, not so much.
I have actually watched a birth. A long time ago (16 or 17 years ago?) in a birthing center. The mother was a dancer and I guess was used to a certain amount of pain. The birth looked pretty good. She lay on a bean bag and her partner cradled her and all I remember is having her first child in my lap watching with her thumb in her mouth as this mother to be gave a few groans and pushes and out came the baby. I also remember, quite vividly, going to find her some dinner that night and bringing her back a huge plate of pasta which she ate with such gusto and relish that I will never forget the image. Pretty seamless.
That said, more often than not the birth stories I have heard always involve something unusual. Always there is a complication that nobody had really heard of. Always the woman describing the birth will say, well, in my case they had to....
They had to....
Cut, chop, insert, incise...
So: I am nervous. I have been told that in Israel the doctors do not attend births but the midwives handle. This is a little sad for me as I would so love my doctor to be there. I like her manner. She would be a calming influence for me and my boyfriend. I have been told that it is very business like in the hospital and that the midwives do the minimum needed.
I am already planning to have an epidural. I have no idea what kind of pain we are talking about here, but an epidural seems like the "easy" way out. It all seems so vague though. And nobody seems to remember exactly how to describe the pain. Pain is hard to describe in any event. It is existential to the core. Fleeting and deep, however wordless.
The unknown. I have to embrace it. For this is completely and utterly unknown. I know I will feel pain. I know I will feel scared. That's about it.
I wonder why other women don't seem to talk about this fear? Is it too neurotic to be pondering birth at this stage? The bigger he gets the more I think about it. How in the world will he get out?
How?
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
The cold doctor's visit
Last night I had a routine check up with my doctor. I have felt very grateful to have found her. She is warm and articulate and knows a lot. Last night however was difficult. Firstly, the room was cold. I was cold. I felt uncomfortable and realized that before pregnancy I used to avoid the doctor mostly and this constant prodding was starting to exhaust me.
There is something about a doctor where a person feels self-conscious about asking too many questions. I always ask in an apologetic manner, "I'm sorry for asking, but..." So, I ask my list of questions which she answers in a banal manner as if she has been asked these questions a million times before (so I may be a little paranoid). In any event, I felt odd for some reason. Like there are no real answers and her guess is as good as mine. There seems to be nothing definitive about medicine.
Then we get to the table where she puts the cold gel on my stomach and I feel self-conscious again as I move my jeans further and further down so she can get a good look. I start shivering. She moves the ultra sound thing around my belly and starts looking keenly at the screen. I see my boyfriend look at the screen, but I can't really see anything. And all of a sudden I am weary of these ultra sounds. I can never really discern that much on the screen and apart from making sure the little one's heart is beating, I don't really care about seeing him "wave" or move about. This is how I feel today. No waving or connection. I am just cold and uncomfortable.
And it occurs to me that women in this position are not supposed to be self conscious. After all, they are participating in the most "natural" process in the world. However, even at my ripe old age of 38, I am self conscious. I don't like being exposed and I don't like having my legs open on the stirrups. I don't like my breasts being checked. I just don't like it. It feels like I do not have any ownership over my body in these moments.
Then the doctor says she can't see enough and he is "too low". All of a sudden my boyfriend and I are asking her, what does "too low" mean? Is everything OK? Yes, yes she consoles us- he's just hard to see. So she gets the ole probe with a condom on and some more cold gel and I put my legs on those horrible stirrups and she starts moving the probe this way and that and I can't even look at the screen I am so cold and uncomfortable. To her credit, she did put the heater on, however by that point I was already chilled. Chilled by this process. Already tired of being looked at in this way. Her cold hands then check my belly.
She says "he's big" -which worries me. Although she also posits this with the caveat that right now in the second trimester all babies grow at different speeds. Of course now I have a vision of a ten pound baby trying to make its way out...
So, we leave the doctor. Another expensive test (I still do not have health insurance), looms in a few weeks. And I start getting scared about what's to come. More doctors. Hospitals. And how in the world is he going to get out of me?
It's exhausting.
And today I wake up with a bad cold. Cést la vie.
Tomorrow's another day.
There is something about a doctor where a person feels self-conscious about asking too many questions. I always ask in an apologetic manner, "I'm sorry for asking, but..." So, I ask my list of questions which she answers in a banal manner as if she has been asked these questions a million times before (so I may be a little paranoid). In any event, I felt odd for some reason. Like there are no real answers and her guess is as good as mine. There seems to be nothing definitive about medicine.
Then we get to the table where she puts the cold gel on my stomach and I feel self-conscious again as I move my jeans further and further down so she can get a good look. I start shivering. She moves the ultra sound thing around my belly and starts looking keenly at the screen. I see my boyfriend look at the screen, but I can't really see anything. And all of a sudden I am weary of these ultra sounds. I can never really discern that much on the screen and apart from making sure the little one's heart is beating, I don't really care about seeing him "wave" or move about. This is how I feel today. No waving or connection. I am just cold and uncomfortable.
And it occurs to me that women in this position are not supposed to be self conscious. After all, they are participating in the most "natural" process in the world. However, even at my ripe old age of 38, I am self conscious. I don't like being exposed and I don't like having my legs open on the stirrups. I don't like my breasts being checked. I just don't like it. It feels like I do not have any ownership over my body in these moments.
Then the doctor says she can't see enough and he is "too low". All of a sudden my boyfriend and I are asking her, what does "too low" mean? Is everything OK? Yes, yes she consoles us- he's just hard to see. So she gets the ole probe with a condom on and some more cold gel and I put my legs on those horrible stirrups and she starts moving the probe this way and that and I can't even look at the screen I am so cold and uncomfortable. To her credit, she did put the heater on, however by that point I was already chilled. Chilled by this process. Already tired of being looked at in this way. Her cold hands then check my belly.
She says "he's big" -which worries me. Although she also posits this with the caveat that right now in the second trimester all babies grow at different speeds. Of course now I have a vision of a ten pound baby trying to make its way out...
So, we leave the doctor. Another expensive test (I still do not have health insurance), looms in a few weeks. And I start getting scared about what's to come. More doctors. Hospitals. And how in the world is he going to get out of me?
It's exhausting.
And today I wake up with a bad cold. Cést la vie.
Tomorrow's another day.
Hamburgers/Cravings and food
Last night I had a craving for a hamburger...
I was raised a vegetarian for the most part and generally only eat fish and occasionally chicken, however pregnancy changed this...
Last night: I order a sandwich type thing from a place called "Eat Meat" (a bizarre place to go for someone formerly a vegetarian). I can't actually look at the meat, but just know that it will be disguised in this sandwich (true to Israeli style with amazing condiments and sauces). I catch a glimpse of the pink meat and feel a little nauseous. I turn away until the sandwich is safely put in the take out box. Once home, I eat really quickly. My excuse is I need iron. Yup. That's it.
The other day I read that the baby is now starting to taste what I eat via the amniotic fluid. I find this entertaining. Just before I have my strawberry smoothie I can imagine the baby swimming in a strawberry flavored stew. And now, he gets a warm dose of hamburger flavor. I also read that how you eat now can affect his taste later? I am not sure if this is true or not, but I like the idea of having an affect on this taste buds at such an early age. At this point, I know he will love, strawberries, toast with vegemite, avocado, eggs, cheese and the occasional hamburger. Oh, and he will love sushi (but maybe the vegetarian kind since I cannot eat raw fish).
My relationship to food fascinates me during this time. At the beginning it took on a manic quality. Some items were passionately disgusting and others just bland. I never had any specific aversions just a general haze of dislike. And, the more carbohydrates a food item contained, the better. I should have guessed something was a little odd when in New York (newly pregnant but undiscovered), I had a sudden craving for fried chicken, which until that time I had NEVER eaten. In the space of two weeks I may have eaten it at least three times.
More disconcerting was the anxious feelings I would get when I was hungry and didn't have anything immediate to eat. It was an awful feeling. I felt so out of control. Sometimes we would be in the car and I would have to get my boyfriend to stop- anywhere- to find something. When my mother visited she was upset by this and she had never seen anything like it. I had to eat when I had to eat. It was a really difficult time.
After years of eating consciously and well I was just eating anything with bread and cheese I could get my hands on. I felt out of control.
Now, things have calmed down a little with the eating, however the hamburger craving haunts me from time to time. My boyfriend likes it when I eat meat as he loves meat and wants this baby to love it also. However, I cannot cook meat and usually only find it palatable when it is disguised as something that doesn't look like meat. I will have to find a way to deal with this as I want the child to eat meat, but for now I am turning the other cheek.
Until then, he will have to enjoy being in a warm bath of hamburger fluid. Yum.
I was raised a vegetarian for the most part and generally only eat fish and occasionally chicken, however pregnancy changed this...
Last night: I order a sandwich type thing from a place called "Eat Meat" (a bizarre place to go for someone formerly a vegetarian). I can't actually look at the meat, but just know that it will be disguised in this sandwich (true to Israeli style with amazing condiments and sauces). I catch a glimpse of the pink meat and feel a little nauseous. I turn away until the sandwich is safely put in the take out box. Once home, I eat really quickly. My excuse is I need iron. Yup. That's it.
The other day I read that the baby is now starting to taste what I eat via the amniotic fluid. I find this entertaining. Just before I have my strawberry smoothie I can imagine the baby swimming in a strawberry flavored stew. And now, he gets a warm dose of hamburger flavor. I also read that how you eat now can affect his taste later? I am not sure if this is true or not, but I like the idea of having an affect on this taste buds at such an early age. At this point, I know he will love, strawberries, toast with vegemite, avocado, eggs, cheese and the occasional hamburger. Oh, and he will love sushi (but maybe the vegetarian kind since I cannot eat raw fish).
My relationship to food fascinates me during this time. At the beginning it took on a manic quality. Some items were passionately disgusting and others just bland. I never had any specific aversions just a general haze of dislike. And, the more carbohydrates a food item contained, the better. I should have guessed something was a little odd when in New York (newly pregnant but undiscovered), I had a sudden craving for fried chicken, which until that time I had NEVER eaten. In the space of two weeks I may have eaten it at least three times.
More disconcerting was the anxious feelings I would get when I was hungry and didn't have anything immediate to eat. It was an awful feeling. I felt so out of control. Sometimes we would be in the car and I would have to get my boyfriend to stop- anywhere- to find something. When my mother visited she was upset by this and she had never seen anything like it. I had to eat when I had to eat. It was a really difficult time.
After years of eating consciously and well I was just eating anything with bread and cheese I could get my hands on. I felt out of control.
Now, things have calmed down a little with the eating, however the hamburger craving haunts me from time to time. My boyfriend likes it when I eat meat as he loves meat and wants this baby to love it also. However, I cannot cook meat and usually only find it palatable when it is disguised as something that doesn't look like meat. I will have to find a way to deal with this as I want the child to eat meat, but for now I am turning the other cheek.
Until then, he will have to enjoy being in a warm bath of hamburger fluid. Yum.
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